Okay, I don't hate all of them, just a large proportion of them. This really is a non-subject for me but lots of people seem obsessed by it, like I’m going to keel over and die at any minute because I haven’t consumed a lump of broccoli in twenty five years.
Anyone who meets me goes through these questioning stages:
1. "You don't like any vegetables?"
2. "OK, what do you eat?"
3. "I’ve given you extra meat because your plate looked bare".
The latter stage is obviously the most important. You see, vegetables are a cheap filler which, incidentally, taste crap. No-one can honestly convince me that they enjoy the taste of peas. They taste of nothing and the squishy texture of them is horrible. When you eat out somewhere and your chosen steak is served with ‘potatoes or chips and peas’, do what I do and order the meal without peas. It might sound petty because peas can easily be avoided (it’s not like they’re mashed into the steak) but it’s not petty at all. Firstly, why choose to waste? Secondly, when they leave the peas off your serving in the kitchen your plate will look half empty. Like I mentioned before, they’re a filler. A pile of peas is cheap (cheaper than steak) and it takes up a fair amount of space on your plate. You've specifically asked them not to put any on your plate and now it looks empty. They can’t serve you a half empty plate so what do they do? Make up the difference with extra chips. Aha! You don’t think I’m picky now, do you?
Loads of foods get served with sprinklings of cress of them. It’s not there for any other purpose than providing decoration. You’re not supposed to eat it. You take it off and place it on the side of your plate. You don’t eat the little ribbon and plastic snowman atop a Christmas pudding do you?
I do like some vegetables, but the list is pretty small. For example, beetroot is great with cheese in a sandwich, garlic belongs on bread and potatoes are excellent just about everywhere but I really start to struggle much beyond that. It’s not my fault though, I blame my parents. Although I do have a physical reaction to eating many vegetables I’m willing to concede that it’s a psychological issue. I suspect I’m not alone in having being force fed vegetables when I was young. Your parents tell you they're good for you and that your head would fall off if you don't eat them. Being slightly more intelligent than that I figured I’d call their bluff. My head never fell off but the quantities of vegetables increased together with appearance of an ultimatum dictating I wasn’t allowed to leave the table until I’d eaten them all.
At this stage peas are the least of one’s concerns. Like I said, they don’t really taste of anything and the texture can be camouflaged with tomato ketchup. Lots of tomato ketchup. No, there are much worse relatives which can be served up in the place of peas. One of my all-time biggest hatreds when I was growing up was reserved for Brussels Sprouts. Who the hell likes these things? They’re presented with little tiny leaves on them; it’s disgusting. I wouldn’t ask someone else to sit in the garden munching on plants for dinner so why ask me? You can coat peas in tomato sauce and swallow them whole but you can’t do the same with sprouts, can you? Oh yes you can. I don’t recommend it but it’s the only way I got through them. I wasn’t going to chew them.
Yes, I could have choked with a blocked oesophagus and it would have all been the fault of my parents. Instead of treating me like an adult and helping me decide which vegetables I liked, I had them forced at me until I rebelled. Fast forward a couple of decades and here I am, psychologically damaged and still in utter and complete stubborn refusal.
As I mentioned at the top, it really causes me little concern. My biggest headache is with food companies who don’t feel it’s relevant to mention vegetables in their ingredients. I’ve bought a sandwich before only to discover that ‘ham and cheese’ actually means ‘ham and cheese with some hidden bits of lettuce you can’t see in the packing window and we won’t mention in the description’. Bastards. Also, every catering company on the planet seems to believe that buffet sandwiches are incomplete with more greenery than an Amazonian rainforest.
Lots of animals get by without eating ludicrous amounts of mud coated leaves so don’t, for one second, think I’m going to be any worse off in the long run. Humans are omnivores by nature, consuming meat, plants etc. but there are plenty of carnivores which survive on nothing more than a good steak. Your dog might be dopey enough to eat left over vegetables but your cat won’t. No, your cat wants meat. I am not a cat (this much is certain) and I don’t share the same digestive system and nutrient requirements but that is not going to convince me that the route to happiness and long life resides in a stick of celery.
