Coffee Drinkers

I’m English and, as the world knows, that means I must drink copious amounts of tea. It’s one of our national stereotypes along with bad teeth and using phrases such as ‘jolly good show, old chap’. If you’re like me (and for your sake, I hope you’re not) then you don’t like coffee and you may understand the premise of my forthcoming rant – but only if you make your drink in a communal area.

Either I’m unlucky, in that the coffee drinkers I share resources with all have Parkinson’s disease, or it is a deliberate act of sabotage to infect our company’s sugar supply with lumps of crystallised rabbit excrement. I’m unsure why coffee drinkers cannot make their beverage without depositing large quantities of the stuff in the sugar bowl. It’s surely not that difficult. If you dislike coffee, you’ll understand; just a couple of grains of the devil’s spawn makes an entire cup of tea taste like you slurped it directly from a cow’s backside. There’s nothing I enjoy more than sifting through sugar trying to extricate the offending lumps of Nestle’s finest, so I’m giving serious consideration to returning the favour. I fear that spilling open tea bags into coffee supplies isn’t going to cut it; the ‘flavour’ of the beans is enough to kill taste buds so I reckon it’ll have no problem against a few tea leaves. No, something more radical is required and I think I’m onto a win-win scenario. Apparently Cyanide is likely to have an acidic taste. I’m unsure how that’ll work out when mixed with coffee, but the resultant decrease in our office population ought to ensure that the sugar supply remains uncontaminated in future.