Christmas

When I was growing up Christmas was my favourite time of year and it remains so in many ways. You got time off school, loads of presents and you saw all your family and friends. Also, people were normally more cheery.

Nowadays all I seem to hear about is how Christmas lights are offending a bunch of immigrants so we should take them down. I never realised a flashing reindeer and a snowman could be distasteful. I’m not especially religious so maybe I’m missing the point but I always thought being tolerant of other people’s beliefs was a creditable approach. It seems not. Because the UK has veered too far in the direction of political correctness (so far that we’ve crashed through the barrier and emerged on the wrong side of the road) anything which might offend someone in a minority group is deemed bad. And then it’s probably banned.

I’ve done a fair amount of travelling, but at no point did I wander into a South East Asian country and expect them to change their traditions to suit me. I’d have had less respect for them if they did. I was a visitor in their country so I should have been expected to respect their customs and practices, and rightly so.

Anyway, that’s a minor rant but not where I was ultimately going. I do still enjoy Christmas even though I’m acutely aware it might make me a hypocrite if I’m not a Christian. For me, not much has changed in what I enjoy since I was a kid. I tend to add more alcohol to my festivities now and I don’t really hope for the latest Transformer as a gift (although it’s preferable to socks).

I can still be irritable though so appreciate not being interrupted during my evening meal with a bunch of carol singers wishing to regale me with Silent Night. In fact, let me expand that to Christmas music in general. Why, when you work in an office, is there always someone who thinks normal rules go out the window at Christmas? I’m not permitted to play Marilyn Manson in July, so why the hell do they get to play Santa Claus Is Coming To Town in December?

Once these people have finished decorating their desks with tinsel, fairy lights, novelty snowmen and any other nonsense they can lay their hands on they start on the music. Out come the crappy Christmas Compilation CDs and they decide that everyone within twenty desks would like to listen to a song no-one in their right mind cared about when it was released twenty years ago, let alone today. Throwing a couple of Christmas references into a crap song doesn't instantly transform it into something The Beatles would have been proud of. But that’s right; they decide on your behalf. Don’t question it though, because apparently having functional hearing and a reasonable taste in music to tantamount to being a “bah humbug miserable bastard”.

The Chairman at my company told one of the guys to turn his music off one year. No-one wants to hear the same CD on repeat every bloody day for a month. There’s only so many times I can hear Fairytale In New York before I start wanting to maim people (for the record, it’s about three times). Anyway, the guy in question thought he was joking until the Chairman repeated his request and then told me I could punch him if he played it again. True story. I think the last part might have been a joke, but I was willing to test him on it if I so much as heard a single bar from anything by Slade.

Rolling out the same films at Christmas is actually a positive thing. You can never have too much Indiana Jones, Star Wars or Batman at Christmas, although The Sound of Music is a step too far for me. I’ve absolutely no issue with Miracle On 34th Street being repeated each year because I can change the channel. But, if someone tied me to a chair and subjected me to it every day I should not be held accountable for my actions. Besides, watching these movies allows you to skip the Queen’s Speech while you’re tucking into a turkey the size of an ostrich. For a while I worked from home, which was lucky for me (and anyone who thinks they’re bringing Christmas spirit to the office) as I could listen to Nine Inch Nails without being labelled the Grinch. If I wanted to feel the Christmas spirit I’d go outside and throw snowballs at small children. It’s all about choice.

Still, I maintain a level of enjoyment over the festivities (a.k.a. drinking time) and getting people presents is now infinitely easier thanks to internet shopping. Now I have a daughter I’ll be able to indulge her at Christmas once she’s a bit older, although I have to say I’m a little disappointed. When you walk into any big toy store the options are endless; a giant sea of choice, wrapped in brightly coloured plastic and enticing advertising. I’m still drawn to the boy’s toys and who wouldn’t be? I had bucket loads of Star Wars figures when I was younger and you can still get them now, only they’ve been improved and there’s even more choice. Plus there’s loads of other cool stuff like dinosaurs with rocket launchers attached to their backs and huge race tracks you can snake around the house. What do they have for girls? My little bloody pony and some pretend kitchen sets? It’s about as dull as it gets. I’ll even avoid the sexist joke about kitchens (it’s too easy), but where’s the adventure in pretending to make breakfast? I’ll be the first to tell her; I’ve done it in real life and it’s boring. I wouldn’t necessarily choose for her to grow up wearing Doc Martins and sporting a shaved head but I wonder what damage I could possibly do by buying her the latest toy rocket launchers and machine guns each year. At least I could play with them when she got bored.