Convertible Cars Are Pointless

Cabriolets, soft tops, convertibles... whatever you call them. Why? Just, why? I live in England, not California so why would I want a convertible car? It rains on more than one day in three and the year’s average temperature is likely to be around ten degrees Celsius. Yes, we can experience temperatures into the thirties but buying a car just for those five days a year seems a bit much.

But cabriolets do have a roof, don’t they? Of course, but they’re made from nylon (probably) and offer the same shelter from the wind as sticking your head in a plastic bag does before stepping into a wind tunnel. I know there are now metal roofs and I’m sure they’re great. The fact is that the convertible version of the car weighs about six tonnes more than the standard version due to all the extra crap it needs. That big, fat folding metal roof is heavy you know and it has to be stowed somewhere, so forget about being able to put anything in the boot. Or the back seat.

They also bolt loads of bars and struts under the car too to stiffen it (since chopping something in half normally affects its ability to not go all wobbly at the first provocation). Your car now weighs six times more than the model which has a roof. So it’s more expensive, noisier and slower. Oh, and that means it’ll drink more fuel too (but you’ll look good in it for five days a year).

Let me reaffirm that last statement; you’ll look good in it for five days a year. To be fair you might not look good in it ever, but the people who drive around when it is two degrees above freezing with the roof down do not look cool. Obviously they look freezing (almost literally), but that’s not what I mean. It smacks of people trying to justify buying a cabriolet in the first place. If it’s two degrees you do not need the roof down. You don’t want it down either. I wouldn’t have my window down at that temperature and yet these guys will go around trying to convince you that they’re getting some use from their soft top car. I’d let it slide if they were Eskimos and thought two degrees was hot, but they aren’t. It’s given away by the fact that they invariably have the windows wound up and the heating on full blast. Sometimes they wear a hat too. Stop it people, it looks absurd.

Do you know what sounds absurd? Diesel engines. They sound like tractors and I’m yet to meet anyone who defends the clattering, ear assaulting din that they make. With me on that? Fine. You know what does sound great? A petrol V8, and that’s a fact. With those points in mind I’m willing to concede that a convertible V8 would be great with the roof down, but still only when it’s warm enough. Do you know what would never be great with the roof down? Yes, that’s right, a diesel. Not only do you get cold but also get reminded that you’re driving something which sounds like a Massey Ferguson (which, with all that extra weight and the diesel inspired loss of power, is probably about as fast as one too).

Seriously, unless you own a dozen cars and can choose when it comes out to play you need to move about five hundred miles south of England before I’ll accept that a convertible is worthwhile.