National Stereotypes

National stereotypes are pretty silly and I’m going to prove it in a moment. What I’ll also do is inadvertently offend just about everyone who reads it. Never mind. If you find your fists clenching and your temple throbbing you’re missing the point. Generally, stereotypes are not positive so when I list a nation’s it is going to invoke some reaction (maybe). Don’t worry, my home is in here too so don’t think I’m sitting in an ivory tower just casting dispersions about everyone else.

American

All Americans are obese and the only thing which matches their girth is the size of their arrogance. Their country is the centre of the world and therefore they have no interest in where anything else is (unless they need to bomb it). This, as with most things, will be accomplished in the loudest, brashest manner possible. History lessons need only go back three generations and culture is the act of placing a fifty in a stripper’s bra while in Vegas. Everyone carries a Magnum handgun and shoot outs are a part of everyday life at the ‘mall’ (or, more frequently, school).

Australian

Australians spend their days sitting on the porch of their self-constructed shack in the outback, drinking Castlemaine XXXX and cooking BBQs from kangaroo meat. They all wear cowboys hats, refer to men as mate and women as Sheila. Every conversation begins with “g’day” and they all have constant sunburn.

Canadian

Canadians are the northern cousins of Americans, but detest any reference to that fact. The quickest way to be punched by a Canadian is to ask whereabouts in America he’s from. To ensure this doesn’t happen Canadians will sew a maple leaf onto every item of clothing they own. Mainly, they live in the snow with Huskies, moose, mounties and that bloke from the 90s TV show Due South.

Columbian

A Columbian is either a farmer, a soldier (for whichever dictator is in power at the time) or a producer of copious amounts of drugs. Cocaine is the recreation of choice and, coincidentally, the country’s major exportation industry. The Government officially denies this last fact but makes only a superficial effort to battle it (preferring instead to stay in and party).

Dutch

The Dutch all live in Amsterdam and spend their days walking backwards and forwards between the brothels and coffee shops, smoking enough cannabis to ensure they never get upset about anything. When was the last time you saw the Dutch go to war?

English

The English have bad teeth and, probably for that reason, a stiff upper lip. They’re overly polite which is why they stomach warm beer when they’re not drinking tea. Phrases such as “good day old chap” and “tally ho” are flung around with careless abandon, usually by people in bowler hats. They are miserable because it always rains. Spain is a sophisticated holiday destination and they’ll return home bright red from sunburn with a straw donkey en tow.

French

Mainly, all the French eat is bread, cheese and garlic which means, with the best will in the world, they’re going to stink a bit. Occasionally they eat snails and frogs too. They are seldom seen without a beret or a striped top and are not very good when it comes to fighting wars. They are quite good at hiding in basements from Germans though. It is also well known that French women are hairier than the men.

Germans

The national uniform of choice is lederhosen, which is an excuse to wear leather shorts and a little hat (ala Robin Hood). Germans have absolutely no sense of humour. They are also uncompromising in their efficiency, which is why humour is outlawed – you can’t be getting shit done if you’re too busy making jokes about it.

Italian

The Italians are a sophisticated race of sun-tanned Mediterranean playboys. They spend their time consuming large amount of pasta and driving exotic sports cars. They are, however, even worse at war than the French. Their tanks have one forward gear, five reverse gears and come equipped with a white flag instead of a gun. Governments change hands on a bi-weekly basis and everyone knows someone in the Mafia.

Irish

The Irish are constantly pissed. The national dish is Guinness and every Irishman has a leprechaun living in his garden, amongst a bed of four leaf clovers. There is an Irish bar on the corner of every street in every city in the world.

Indonesian

Indonesia is a country north of Australia and south of China which consists of more than a trillion islands. If you go there it is 99% jungle and there is no civilisation prevalent. Chances are you’ll be captured by a tribe, paraded before the Chief and then cooked in a pot with some vegetables for lunch.

Japanese

All Japanese men are suited businessmen and all women are Geisha. The staple Japanese meal is anything which includes uncooked fish, washed down with sake. All men are descendants of at least one fearsome samurai warrior and can wield a katana better than you can a fork. Although appearing reserved, the average Japanese enjoys nothing better than relaxing with some octopus-raping-a-schoolgirl themed comics and a large dose of crazy game shows involving people falling from great heights into pits of eels. Every piece of technology in the world is designed here.

Mexican

All Mexicans are drug dealers or illegal immigrants trying to cross the border into America. They are generally foiled because they are easy to spot, dressed in ponchos and massive sombreros. If you live in Los Angeles every second person is Mexican and you’ll be derided as racist if you cannot speak Spanish.

Russian

You can easily spot a Russian because he will be wearing a fur hat (called a ushanka – See? You’ve learned something). The hammer and sickle motif is purely optional but he’ll probably be carrying a glass of vodka too. They are still bitter about the end of the cold war and anyone who doesn’t work for the KGB has to queue two weeks for a loaf of bread.

Saudi Arabian

Everyone in Saudi is an oil sheik who owns a fleet of Rolls Royces and a larger fleet of white robes. Women dress in black, like ninjas. They all live in giant palaces and camel racing is the national pastime (alongside being extremely rich).

Scottish

The Scottish only just lose out in the pissed stakes to the Irish. They’re not picky enough to stick to a single ale though. They have a penchant for skirts and throwing large tree trunks around. They speak with an accent no-one outside of Scotland can understand and are always cold and wet. In Scotland, it rains even more than in England.

Somalian

All Somalians are pirates, just like Captain Jack Sparrow, only with less swords and more AK47s. Every vessel which passes within a light year of the African nation gets stolen and only returned upon payment of a significant ransom. Apparently oil tankers aren’t difficult to hide and the combined might of a dozen countries and their navies are outwitted almost every time by some farmers-cum-hustlers in rubber dinghies. 

Thai

Thailand is the home of some of the most beautiful beaches and stunning scenery in the world. Its population consists entirely of transsexual lady-boys and the only reason people visit is to sleep with underage children. It’s also the only country in the world which thought Gary Glitter was ‘an alright bloke’. Drugs are so frowned upon that if you’re caught with anything stronger than a cigarette you’ll be beheaded on the spot while your companions can look forward to a pleasant stay in somewhere known as the Bangkok Hilton.

Welsh

The Welsh communicate in a language no-one understands which, by all accounts, involves spitting on the other person as much as possible to get your point across. The entire country is a series of mountains which provide the home for eleventy billion sheep, the primary source of company on those long, cold nights.