Toothpaste: A Marketing Scam

This subject’s had me scratching my head for years. You go to buy some toothpaste and head for a leading brand (because you don't trust the supermarket's cheap own brand to actually work). Upon strolling up to the display, what are you presented with? A plethora of colours designed to confuse you into buying the most expensive option. It's a marketing masterpiece. I mean, a quick look at the Colgate website reveals the following options:

Colgate Total Professional Weekly Clean;
Colgate Total;
Colgate Total Fresh Stripe;
Colgate Total Plus Whitening;
Colgate Total Advanced Fresh;
Colgate Total Advanced Clean;
Colgate Sensitive;
Colgate Sensitive Pro-Relief;
Colgate Sensitive Whitening;
Colgate Sensitive Multi Protection;
Colgate Sensitive Enamel Protect;
Colgate Time Control;
Colgate Oxygen;
Colgate Cavity Protection;
Colgate Triple Cool Stripe;
Colgate 2 in 1;
Colgate Sensation Deep Clean Whitening;
Colgate Anti-Tartar Plus Whitening;
Colgate Ultrabrite;
Colgate Smiles;
Colgate Max Fresh;
Colgate Max White;
Colgate Blue Minty Gel.

What the hell? That is the honest-to-God list of toothpastes taken from Colgate’s website. I’ll save you counting them; there are 23. I don’t think I’d be alone if I said I just want the one that does everything. If I get Ultrabrite does that mean I'll have shiny teeth but they'll fall out because my gums are weak? Does Max Fresh give you awesome minty breath, but black teeth?

Which one does it all, dammit?

Maybe you're supposed to buy one of each and mix them up in a bowl before dipping your brush into it each morning.